Saying Goodbye with Love – Children, Family Visitation, and Funeral Attendance

Child at Funeral

Whether or not we like it, when a loved one passes away, the list of family members who survive them can include children under 12 years old. Invariably there’s a discussion of “should we or shouldn’t we let our children attend the visitation or the funeral?” When is the right time?

Children are the most sensitive of God’s creations; when they see their parents cry, even if they don’t know how they personally feel–yet–they begin to hurt that their parents hurt. Taking young children, around six years old, to the funeral visitation the afternoon or evening before a funeral is a way to help them process loss.   Allow your children to hear others tell them, “I am sorry for your loss. I know you will miss your Grandmother or Grandfather.”

Should the child attend the visitation, the funeral, both or neither? I can’t stress enough how important it is to have some ritual, however small or private, for a family to say goodbye to a loved one. Children need to be able to say goodbye in their own way. That’s one reason why a visitation period is so important. The process of death may have separated grandchild from grandparent in an instant, but healing begins when grief is acknowledged.

In over 50 years of our family’s experience, we’ve seen how time and discussion/explanation are key for a child to process their loss on their terms, in their time. We’ve seen children place small tokens of their love in an open casket during visitation, which helps them make sure a small part of their life “goes forward” with their loved one. I remember how I felt when my parents allowed me an opportunity to personalize my farewells.

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Do you remember how old you were the first time you heard that a family member had passed away? How did your parents let you know? When was the first time you saw your name listed as a surviving family member in a newspaper obituary? How did you feel to see that you had “survived” someone you loved with all your heart?

Parents today have many tough choices to make, including at what age to tell their children about a loved one passing away. It might be a grandparent, or it could be anyone you love. If two parents are involved in the decision making, invariably there’s a discussion of “should we or shouldn’t we let our children attend the visitation or the funeral?”

What are your family’s plans when Grandma or Grandpa pass away? How does your family plan to introduce children to the most important ritual of “saying goodbye with love”?

Much as we know it will hurt our children when they can no longer have a grandparent present in their daily lives, these youngest of survivors need to have some kind of role, or place, in saying goodbye to ones they love. Think about it from their point of view. They’re seven or eight years old, and for the past four years at least, they’ve visited, Face-Timed, or Skyped with a grandparent at least once a week, if not once a day to be able to remember them. They’ve had overnight visits with them at home, regularly if they’re lucky, and one day they wake up, and they’re not there anymore.

A parent’s grief at losing their parent is substantial, to be sure, but through a child’s eyes, they hurt twice as much—once for you, once for themselves. And they often tend to be “seen and not heard” in expressing their grief. They don’t even know or understand grief as a concept. All they know is they feel sad.

We know this to be true from our experiences over 5 generations of our business; you’re doing your children a favor to introduce them to “paying respects” at whatever age you as parents feel comfortable in doing. The funeral day, and graveside burial service are also your choice for attendance, but the family meal that takes place after the service is also important for children to again receive love, hugs, and affection from friends and family, to help soften their blow.

Our new funeral center is the most warm, welcoming and peaceful setting that you could ask for. Children of all ages will find plenty of light, see many smiles on our faces rather than somber, solemn worried looks. And we have a perfect facility for you to have a catered family meal together no matter where you choose to have the funeral or burial ceremony. Come on by and see for yourself how comfortable you and those you love will feel, in our new home. We are here for you, always.

Cody D. Jones ‘02

Owner and Community Member

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Due to the construction on S College Ave our facility is only accessible via Dellwood St. Please refer to this map for reference. Dellwood St can be accessed via Cavitt Ave and Texas Ave.

For more information, please visit the Bryan, TX website.